Porque as taxas de divórcio são tão altas ?

O número de divórcios no Brasil caiu 8% em 2014, depois de subir vertiginosamente por vários anos e alcançar o maior índice já registrado em 2012. Apesar do número de casamentos também estar em alta – acontecem cerca de 1 milhão de casamentos no Brasil por ano – a maioria dos casamentos acaba até 15 anos de casamento – 56,5% . Nos Estados Unidos o “felizes para sempre” é ainda mais Breve, com 50% dos casamentos acabando até os 10anos de casados.
Esses gráfico da revista VEJA de 2012 dão uma idéia mais clara do processo:

ibge5-original

taxa de divorcios

Porque tantos casamentos acabam em divórcio? Essa pergunta me é realizada muito frequentemente. o mais interessante é que nem mesmo os casais que se separaram não sabem bem a resposta, ou citam motivos que são secundários. A maioria dos homens cita como motivo a traição. Entre as mulheres a maior queixa é com “desgaste no relacionamento”. O segundo maior motivo alegado pelos casais foram “dinheiro”.
Esses motivos são secundários. Se os homens refletissem sobre O QUE levou a traição da esposa a resposta poderia chegar em algo mais próximo da realidade. Vou citar o que acredito que sejam os principais motivos de separação, no Brasil e no mundo:

1- Casais se separam muito porque demoram demais a tentar procurar soluções para os seus relacionamentos. As pessoas localizam os problemas de relacionamento no outro ou em si, e tentam fazer mudanças individuais para problemas relacionais, ou aguardam que o conjuge mude para que o relacionamento dê certo. Não existe uma cultura de busca de profissionais quando os problemas conjugais aparecem, mas apenas como “último recurso” e quando o relacionamento está em maior perigo de dissolução. Se os casais reconhecessem a necessidade de procurar ajuda com maior antecedência, muitos relacionamentos poderiam ser poupados do divórcio.

2- Casais não sabem como resolver conflitos de uma maneira mais justa. Existe uma idealização romântica que se estamos apaixonados ou amamos alguém, então não deve haver brigas. Isso leva a uma conclusão muito triste quando as brigas iniciam: “será que ele/ela não me ama mais?”. Ao invés de perceber que conflitos podem ser saudáveis e necessários durante um relacionamento, as pessoas se tornam facilmente ofendidas, começam a guardar ressentimento, criticam destrutivamente o parceiro e passam a se afastar do esposo ou esposa. existe uma inabilidade de resolver conflitos de forma justa, brigar, perdoar e seguir com o casamento.

3- Em um casamento os papéis mudam ao longo do tempo. É necessário construir flexibilidade para que essas mudanças sejam abraçadas de maneiraequilibrada. Haverá épocas que o controle das coisas financeiras mudem de mãos. Outras que os filhos necessitem mais de um ou outro pai. Os papéis devem ser renegociados constantemente. A idéia de que ” ou vai do meu jeito ou não vai”, coloca muitos casamentos em risco.

4- Pessoas procuram conforto em outros lugares com muita rapidez ao menor sinal de problema. Quando há uma briga em casa a chance de um dos conjuges se abrir com um terceiro é maior do que com o próprio conjuge. Buscar conforto e resolução de problemas internos de um casamento em uma pessoa externa- seja mãe, pai, amigo ou amante – pode ser devastador em uma relação.

5- Cultivamos uma idéia infantil de amor e casamento. Acreditamos que vamos encontrar uma pessoa que vai nos deixar felizes para sempre. Colocamos toda a responsabilidade de sermos felizes na mão de quem casamos, ao invés de cultivar a idéia de que precisamos trabalhar e nos esforçar para cultivar a relação durante todo o tempo. Os estudos mostram que a felicidade depende muito mais do que fazemos e de nossas atitudes do que de outras pessoas ou fatos que ocorrem em nossa vida. Então ao invés de se preocupar em ACHAR a pessoa certa, se preocupe em SER a pessoa certa.

A menos que você esteja vivendo uma situação de violência doméstica ou outra situação de risco imediato, não procure divórcio antes de buscar ajuda profissional. A maioria dos casais que se separam não estão em situações como essas. Geralmente quando alguém está pensando em divórcio está em uma situação ruim e não sabe mais o que fazer. Os relacionamentos podem melhorar. E MUITO. E nos próximos posts vamos falar um pouquinho a mais sobre como podemos SER esposos e esposas melhores.

About Rodrigo Scalia

Formado em medicina pela Universidade Federal de Uberlândia. Residência em psiquiatria pela Universidade Federal de Uberlandia, mestrando do Programa de ciências da saúde da Universidade Federal de Uberlândia. Pós graduação em Terapia de familia e casal pelo Instituto de terapia familiar do triângulo

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    Sei o quão difícil tudo isso pode ser, mas não se deixe tomar pelos sentimentos aflorados que não ajudam em nada. Tente reconhecer que um ciclo se encerrou e outros começarão em sua vida. Cuidar de si mesmo e seguir em frente é melhor para todos, inclusive para o(a) ex e para os filhos.

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